What the God

Written by Jesse Medina

Women should come with manuals. Not that any of us men would actually read it…we’re stubborn like that…always have to figure things out ourselves. It is how we demonstrate that we have penises and are proud of our penises.

Then again, we’ve been trying to figure women out since the beginning and, so far as I know, we haven’t been able to. So maybe we would be willing to read the manual. I suspect one reason women don’t come with manuals is because of the risk of paper cuts in or around their vaginas.

Yes, I just said that.

Perhaps another reason why there isn’t a manual for women is because nobody would know how to read it anyway. It would involve run-on sentences, unfamiliar languages (including sighs and body language), and multiple instructions at once. Plus, it would be bedazzled with jewels, beads, and shiny material and smell like fruit. And it would come in an ugg boot.

I can see why some guys go gay. Men are easier to understand. What do they want for dinner? Doesn’t matter so long as it has meat in it. What type of book should you buy them? One with lots of pictures. What do they want for Christmas? Sex and electronics.

Simple, see?

Women on the other hand. Food? Whatever you want. No, not that. No, not that, either. Something greasy but healthy that is cheap and yet romantic. Book? Something with a compelling plot, descriptions of chiseled chests, adventure, and love, but also one that is realistic. What do they want for Christmas? Well it depends on whether she is on her period, what her co-worker said to her the other day, and what her day was like on September 22^nd five years ago.

Do you think it was part of the Fall? Like, maybe, beforehand women were simpler, you know? I’ll bet this was part of the curse for men: “women will drive you crazy! Mwuahahah!”

Actually, in all seriousness, I think the Fall had a lot to do with it. Before Adam and Eve sinned, they were “naked and unashamed.” Sounds awesome, right? But this wasn’t just referring to them not having clothes on, it was referring to their relationship – they knew everything about each other (naked) and accepted each other completely (unashamed). And after they ate the forbidden fruit, something happened. Even before the curses that God put on them. They covered themselves. They hid from each other. And they hid from God.

And the rest is history.

But notice, here, that it wasn’t just Eve hiding. Adam hid, too. We men are partially responsible for this (no blaming the dog on this one, gentlemen). So part of why we think women are hard to understand is because there is something within us, caused by sin, that keeps us from understanding (and all the women say an emphatic “amen”).

So what do we do with that? I’ll give advice to both men and women:

Men: Face it…you have a part to play in not being able to understand women. Check yourself: are you doing your part to listen? Are you working to get to know your lady or are you just expecting her to allow you to be lazy? Pursue her. Take notes. Figure out what she likes (a trip to the mall, a bookstore, and a food court will help with this) and remember it. Set reminders for yourself to follow up with her about stuff she tells you. Forgive her for not looking like a supermodel. Or, if she does, take lots of pictures of her naked (that is, if you're married to her)…she isn’t going to look like that forever.

Women: Face it…you have a part to play in men not being able to understand you. We know you want to be pursued, but you have to help us! Don’t hide everything. Tell us what you want. Drop hints…subtle and obvious (depending on how dense your guy is). Try to be consistent – don’t try to play the cool girl who doesn’t like flowers one day and the next get upset that we never give you them. Forgive us for not having chiseled chests (well, not me, I have one…depending on your definition of “chiseled” and “chest”). And for the love of God, if you get angry at us, just tell us why. Don’t play that if-you-don’t-know-I’m-not-going-to-tell-you game. That’s stupid.

There, now we’re both a little easier to understand.

Are there other reasons you can think of that women are so hard to understand? What about men, what makes us hard to understand? If you're a guy, what advice would you give to women? If you're a girl, what advice would you give to men?