What the God

Written by AJ Teaters

What's the deal with Babel? You know you're thinking it, I just have the balls to ask it. Yeah, that was a little over the top but it's true, what's the deal with Babel?

Babel... what came out of Babel? Language. Without Babel the world wouldn't have different languages which means that every other country of the world wouldn't be trying to learn English while America continues to be lazy and apathetic toward learning another country's language. Oops, did I just say American's were lazy and insensitive. And did I insinuate that if there was only one language on Earth it would be English?! Does that qualify me to be a bigot, or just insensitive?

The story of Babel is ONLY 9 BIBLE VERSES! God chose to explain how language was spread throughout the world in only 9 Bible verses? I want to assume that something got left out. I want to assume that there is more of a story there than what is being told. Why do I want to assume that there is more to the story of Babel than what is being told, because it reads like a Cliff Notes; all the facts no story.

They have an idea, they start to build, they were scattered. I have a theory that this wasn't as group thought as the Bible may have us think. Like I said the story isn't being told just the facts.

The story has to start with a single man (notice I said, "man" and not, "person") and this single man got all the other men riled up and excited about his new and awesome idea to build a tower to heaven. “LET'S BUILD A TOWER TO HEAVEN,” What?! Who says that? I'll claim it, a man! Only a man with bigger balls than brains would ever suggest something so ridiculous. This coming from the same gender that I can only imagined gave us milk by saying, “I am going to drink whatever is in that cow!” Luckily they found the utters first.

The Real Story:
Babel is having a town meeting about what is going to help bring more tourism to their city. They begin to throw out ideas about amusement parks, memorials and audience voting capital punishment game shows, until the dumbest of the men decided to shout out the most unintelligent idea ever, “TOWER TO HEAVEN!” Since in those days there were no women allowed at these meetings no one had the foresight... no that's too nice... let's try that again. Since in those days there were no women allowed at these meetings no one had the common sense to say (don't forget to make this sound shrill and condescending), “Really?! You are planning on building a tower to heaven, there is nothing better you can do with your time than BUILD A TOWER TO HEAVEN?”

Come on guys, any and all of you who are in a relationship (married, engaged or other) can hear your significant other saying that to you. It's really doesn't take a large stretch of the imagination to think a woman would try and talk men out of building something completely ridiculous and useless.

Now before I get a bunch of feminists jumping all over me (trust me sounds more fun that it is) the reason behind this idea is because men are stupid. Ask any woman what happens when men get bored and they will tell you one of two things, “They (men) are going to find a way to get into trouble,” or, “They (men) come up with crazy ideas that need to be brought into fruition.”

Notice the parallel:

• “They” equals men because how could anyone besides men come up with this idea?

• They said to each other, "Come, let's make bricks and bake them thoroughly." They used brick instead of stone, and tar for mortar. 4 Then they said, "Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves and not be scattered over the face of the whole earth." 5 But the LORD came down to see the city and the tower that the men were building. 6 The LORD said, "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. 7 Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other." (Gen. 11:3-7)

• “They” cannot include women because if women were present during the discussion of building a tower to heaven it would have never happened and we would all still be speaking the same language.
  

• I would even venture to say that “They” is synonymous with “Men” in this passage because of Gen. 11:7 “'Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other.'” If we (men) are truthful we can honestly say that we don't understand anything anyone tells us. Men have their own language (mostly grunts and scratching), while women can communicate with each other over long distances without even saying a word.

So I'll leave you with: who was the one God punished because of the Tower: men, women or both? What's the deal with Babel, one word; MEN.

Why did God choose to use this circumstance to explain language? Was Babel more important than it seems in the Bible? Who's idea do you think the tower really was?

Written by Jesse Medina

I have a confession. It is not something I am particularly proud of, but it is true. Are you ready? Here it is:

I am scared that my kids (once I have them) will turn out to be ugly.

Being ugly can really screw a kid up. Even if they are smart, witty, and incredibly talented, ugliness can debilitate a kid like nothing else can. But a good-looking kid, on the other hand, seemingly has it all…whether they’ve got anything else going for them or not. That’s why a ditzy blonde with a pretty face and rockin’ body can become insanely rich and famous. Or why guys like us could start a site like this.

And the worst part is that we can’t really control our own ugliness. Our best hopes are exercise, makeup, and cosmetic surgery. But there are limits to each. Exercise only improves how we look below the neck and while that is better than nothing, having an ugly face isn’t desirable. Of course many women, along with Adam Lambert, turn to makeup to make their faces look better, but makeup has limits. Unfortunately, some women don’t know that and think that more makeup is automatically better – and cross the line back into ugliness. And then there is cosmetic surgery which is perhaps the most effective method for reversing ugliness, but not only does it require you to have a lot of money, there’s something wrong with not having wrinkles as an old person.

So most of us eventually just have to come to terms with a hard truth: we will always be ugly.

And then we come to a second conclusion: God is a big jerk for making us that way.

Why would he do that?

We’ve had our ugly scientists – they study ugly, not that they are ugly (except one who will remain nameless. I will give you his initials, though…AJ Teaters) – analyzing data and tracking trends to come up with possible reasons God would create ugly people:

1. He has a sick sense of humor.

The ugly scientists think this a viable option only because it seems God had a sick sense of humor in other places in the Bible. Like when Elisha sicked bears on some kids for calling him bald (II Kings 2:23-24) or when Samson used a donkey’s jawbone to Leonidas his way to killing a thousand men and then quipped about using an ass's jawbone to make asses out of them.

Sick…but hilarious. Maybe, they postulate, that’s how it is with ugliness. Sometimes God just needs a good laugh.

2. Without ugly, there is no beauty

This is the age-old “the shadow proves the sunshine” theory. In order for us to acknowledge something as being light, we must also be acquainted with darkness. So perhaps in order of us to know beauty, we must know ugly. In that sense, the ugly people of the world are doing humanity a favor by helping us to know beauty. After all, a world without beauty isn’t much of a world at all.

3. He didn’t

At first glance, this doesn’t even seem like a possibility. All some of us need to do is look in the mirror to know that God created ugly. But our scientists speculate that “ugly” is a social/human construction that God doesn’t acknowledge. It makes sense: many years ago those women who were considered beautiful we what we might call today “big-boned.” They had appetites and could swing an axe (I’m speculating on the axe part, but you get my point). These days, women aren’t considered beautiful unless they weigh under 110 lbs. have enormous breasts and, in many parts of the world, would be considered malnourished by the look of their physiques.

Beauty, it seems, is fickle. Not to mention fleeting. None of us, no matter how beautiful, look good for an extended period of time. We all get old and we all get wrinkles.

And that makes me wonder: what if what we look like doesn’t even matter? What if what matters is the kind of people we are? What if in the next life, it is those who were ugly in this life that are the ones who receive the highest honor and are perceived as the most beautiful? What if it is our scars, wrinkles, and deformities that are considered beautiful in the next life?

For many of us that sounds fantastic...whether we are beautiful right now or not.

So maybe we should live this life in light of that one and that includes how we look at ourselves, others, and even our kids.

Which theory do you think it is? Or do you think there is another reason why some are ugly?

Written by AJ Teaters

Ask anyone in the world when they felt the closest to experiencing heaven and I think it’s safe to assume that 98% of them will say, “SEX!” (the other 2% are virgins). Sex is amazing, sex is powerful, sex is milk and cookies; it’s perfection. How perfect is sex? Sex is so perfect that society has centered everything on it. Sex is seen everywhere: music, movies, television, advertisement… the list goes on but why do we focus so much on sex? Why, because it’s SEX!

I’m not going to be the obvious egotistical male and say that sex is on my mind 100% of the time, but I will be the honest male and say that it is on my mind 95% of the time and the other 5% of my time is devoted to figuring out a way to get my wife to agree to have sex with me. My justifications for sex range anywhere from missing her touch to burning calories. What I have learned is that no matter the excuse (which I like to think my wife finds cute and endearing) she wants to be close to me.

Side note: Roses don’t hurt the cause either boys ;-).

Sex is a constant thought in my mind (please don’t overlook the sarcasm) but since I am also a Christian, Jesus is a constant thought in my mind. These two thoughts are not at conflict with each other but they do run into each other from time to time which is where the question “Will there be sex in Heaven?” came from.

I like to picture my Heaven with big fluffy clouds, where we are all flying around in white robes, worshipping God, and having sex.

Is there going to be sex in Heaven? The question begs (no pun intended) to be answered. My answer is probably as short and sweet as your first time (emphasis on the short) - it's yes.

Reasons for Sex in Heaven:

1. The Garden of Eden: Heaven on Earth. You can’t try and argue the fact that Adam and Eve didn’t have sex in the Garden. The Perfect Man and Perfect Woman, molded by God’s hands, equals perfect sex (its simple math). If there was sex in the Garden, which was Heaven on Earth, why not in actual Heaven?

2. Song of Solomon comes to mind. It outlines the relationship of a man and woman from courtship to consummation. Song of Solomon is also looked at as an allegory of God’s love for His children or the souls’ relationship to Christ. A few examples of ''Sexy Scripture'':

• Song 4:5 "Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies."
• Song 7:8-9 I said, "I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit." May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine.
• Song 4:16 [ Beloved ] "Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits."

I hope that I don't have to go into what these scriptures are alluding to, but if you didn't catch on to that last one "Garden" is not referring to a literal garden. It's referring to her vagina, hopefully that clears it up. So, moving forward, if I have my theology correct God resides in Heaven and God is the inspiration for the Bible, then God is thinking about sex in Heaven. God is using the thought of sex to inspire us through His word and where is God... Heaven. Thus, sex in Heaven. (It's all very complicated...kinda like your sex life.)

3. God commanded us to have sex, “As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it," (Gen. 9:7). Is this the only reason God created sex… for multiplication? Personally, I don’t like to picture my God that mathematical, I like to think of sex as an act of worship to God. What better way to worship God than recreating the allegory He outlined in His love story to us?

And last time I checked Heaven was 24/7, don’t-stop-til-your-body-drops worship. I’m not saying Heaven is going to be one giant orgy (perverts), but what I am saying is that sex will be an option of worship in heaven.

What’s your take? Why might Heaven not be a place for sex?