What the God

There are many things you could do for God to get pissed off enough to want to kill you:

• Try to steady his arc (2 Samuel 6:6-7).  This would be difficult unless you know where the arc is and whether it is unsteady.
• Look back at Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 19:24-26).  Great solution if you need some extra salt.
• Ejaculate on the ground (Genesis 38:8-10).  Masturbators beware.
• Sleep with Moabite women and worship their gods (Numbers 25:1-4).  Just sleeping with the women, though, may not get you killed.  Key word: may.
• Call Elisha bald (2 Kings 2:23-24).  Phew.  I don’t know any Elishas.

That’s just what he’s killed people for before.  But we suspect he’d be willing to kill for any number of things.  Regardless, if you happen to learn that God is trying to kill you, we have a simple solution for you to avoid death. 

Here’s what you need:

1. A fearless wife with ninja skills
2. A flint knife
3. An uncircumcised son (Note: a daughter will not work in this situation – you’ll see why in a second)
4. Bare feet

Here's what you do:

When God tries to kill you, give your ninja wife the wink.  She will, in a terrifying move of awesomeness, cut the foreskin off your son's penis, and then touch the severed foreskin to your bare feet.

Now, so far as we know, this has only worked once.  But, those who have failed either due to poor foreskin-severing-training or the wearing of socks wouldn’t live to tell their failure story, but we know this worked for Moses. (Exodus 4:24-26)

A couple of warnings:

1. Advanced ninja training for your wife will likely prove helpful.
2. We do not suggest practice on real boys as you could make them a eunuch…which would suck for them.
3. So far as we know, substituting a daughter will not work.  Better to not try.
4. We suggest carrying a sharpened flint knife with you at all times.
5. Socks = death.

Now, if you take our advice, you will live.  We’re not entirely sure why, but freshly severed foreskin touched to bare feet is apparently like kryptonite to God.  We suspect this is due to the pure grossness of the act and the fact that he is likely intimidated by a woman who would do such a thing.

I mean, if I were God, that would freak me out.

Do you know a woman who is scary/awesome enough to attempt such a feat?  If you were God, what crazy acts would you consider in exchange for someone’s life to be saved?  Are you aware of any other life-saving techniques when God gets the urge to kill?


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